Deep Thoughts

Lost person–Have you seen him?

At the risk of having to wear a disguise for the rest of my life due to the plethora of men who will come knocking on my door*, I feel the need to get this out of my head.

If you know me, you know that I’m pretty headstrong and I know what I want. I have a list, albeit in my head, of what the “perfect guy for me” looks like. Don’t act shocked…it’s what women do. My list has changed over the years and even included things like “wants to grow old in Oklahoma,” which was before I moved out of the state. I now know I will probably never live in Oklahoma again. I ❤ it, but I’ve seen better things.

I think my list is pretty standard and I’ve even been willing to give up a thing here and there in exchange for something not already on the list. For me, the top quality I look for is humor/wit. The perfect guy for me HAS to be able to keep up with me. I’m pretty quick on the wit and it kills my mood when people I’m with don’t get it. Also, I need someone who can make me laugh, especially at myself. He must also be OK with getting a little goofy sometimes.

Other qualities include:

  • Passionate, not only about me 😉 but also about something they are doing (work or otherwise). Life is too short to not be passionate about life and other things. And your passions don’t have to be my passions, though I definitely want to learn more, no matter what it is. If it’s important to you, I want to know about it.
  • Intelligent–I’m not always the smartest cookie, so having someone to explain why the sky is blue is A + in my book. I love to learn and if you can teach me a thing or two, that’s hot. </mindingutter>
  • Athletic/in to sports–If you join me in my love of college football (yes, I can watch College Football all day on Saturdays as long as it’s not the Longhorns), then I’ll do the same for a sport of your choice. Just no golf or race cars. I have to draw the line somewhere. And all’s fair in love and war when it comes to March Madness. I also like to shoot hoops, play tennis, and 4 or 6-man volleyball. Watching or playing…both rock!
  • Must. Have. Rhythm. I ❤ music way too much to be with someone who can’t keep the beat. Please don’t stop the music. And if he can keep up with me on the dance floor…even better!
  • Can let me have my space. Do I like getting text messages, emails, flowers, chocolates, and other tokens of affection all day, everyday? Not really. I need ‘me’ time. As an only child, I was often alone and need that to recharge. At the same time, I need ‘him’ to be ok with me not calling him all the time. Doesn’t mean I’m not thinking about him…just means I’ve got stuff to do.
  • Is creative. I love, love, LOVE doing fun things for my man. Sending little notes, surprising him by cooking a fabulous meal, getting him tickets to his favorite band’s upcoming concert…you get the idea. However, he has to do the same every now and then. I still remember that guy I dated way back when who borrowed my car while I was at work and when I left for the evening, was greeted by a newly washed car. This is the same guy who would leave notes on my windshield at work. *sigh*
  • Gives me tough love…sometimes. I don’t want to be with someone who will tell me I’m right or always agree with me. I need someone who will challenge me on the way I’m thinking or help me see the other side. He also has to be ready to take what he gives as I’ll do the same. I’m always understanding, but your way is NOT always the right way.
  • Looks good. I’m a girl…I like shoes and dressing up and I need a guy who can match, or even challenge, my fashion sense. Guys, it’s not that hard…really. I get soooo tired of the t-shirt, jeans, and blazer combo and need a little more. Ties are sexy, dress shirts are hot, nice shoes…that’s the icing on the cake. There are basics that you can mix and match. This doesn’t mean you have to dress up ALL the time. Heck, I’m wearing a hoodie, sweat shorts, and flip flops right now…in public, even. BTW–dimples are sexy:hawtness
  • Confidence is the killer quality in any man. Be confident, but not cocky…there is a difference.

I’ll be completely honest and say that there has been a level of interest with some of you reading, even though I don’t know all that read my blog. However, I would bet that if you have 2 or more of the above qualities, I’ve looked at you and wondered, “what would he be like to date?” I’ve made advances with some of you, even if you didn’t know it, and yet…nothing has clicked. <sadface>

Does this mean I’m on the prowl? Not at all. As Alicia Silverstone put it so well in Clueless, “You’ve seen how picky I am about my shoes…and they only go on my feet.” Do I want someone who I can share my victories and defeats with? Absolutely. But I can’t do that with just anyone.

Maybe the man on my list is impossible to find. Maybe I haven’t found him yet. Maybe there’s something better.

Maybe someone can make an app to help me find him…

________________________

*Sometimes I live in a fantasy world where things like this happen.

Deep Thoughts

Can guys and girls be “just friends”?

I’ve always been the girl who is ‘one of the guys,’ which I’m sure is extremely hard to believe seeing as I’m a little prissy. But in high school, I hung out with 5 guys…in college, I was always the girl hanging out at the Fraternity houses. I attribute part of this to the fact that I was an only child and wished I’d had brothers. The other major part of it was I had too much estrogen in my life due to dance team, pom squad and sorority sisters. I needed a break from the drama and girl fights!

Lately, however, I’ve had a chance to meet some amazing women in San Francisco, thanks to the Comfort Food Club, and now lean on them when things go wrong. I have 1 or 2 really good guy friends that I can call up, like my Sweetcheeks, who can talk me off a ledge and give it to me straight.

Recently, I was told by a guy I care deeply about that he just can’t add a relationship to his already crazy schedule and as much as he really likes me, I should be with someone who can give me the attention I need and deserve. Then came those words we all love to hear, “but I still want to be friends.” ARGH!

I was honest with him, that I don’t understand how maintaining the friendship is going to be any easier then being in a relationship with me as it still requires a bit of work and commitment. I also told him I wasn’t sure if I could be just friends…that I think I’d always hope for more in the long run. Yet, I don’t want to sever ties as I think he’s amazing and we’ve connected on a deep level. We both agreed that the timing majorly sucks right now for a relationship.

But how does one take a step back to being ‘just friends?’ He’s still the one I want to go to when something good or bad happens to me. I still want to do nice things for him, like send him surprises, which I can’t share as I may or may not do them. I even wonder if there could still be a spark the next time we see each other (we live in different cities which helps and hurts things).

My fear, as this has happened in the past, is that we become surrogate boyfriend/girlfriend for each other…or at the least, that I will for him. I’m an encourager by nature…a nurturer, and as he is busy, I will naturally be there to cheer him on and ask how things are going. No harm in that, is there? Isn’t that what a FRIEND would do? Yet, I already know it will become a danger zone for me as I’ll get sucked in and will continue to care deeply for him.

The responses I’ve received from friends have all been taken with a grain of salt as I need to figure this out on my own. Responses coming from someone in a long distance relationship who says this guy’s being genuine and not just brushing me off, multiple responses telling me I deserve better and it’s his loss, and even Sweetcheeks tells me that until we agree to sever things completely, why not see what happens as friends.

I do think guys and girls can be friends, but don’t know how to take a step back from ‘being interested in someone’ to ‘friends.’ I need to find that switch that allows me to care for him and shut it down…or at least dim it a little. Maybe then the ‘friends’ thing will become clearer.

Deep Thoughts

Does Social Media help or hurt dating relationships?

I’ll be the first to admit how much I love social media. It has allowed me to connect with people from all over the world and I’ve met some of my best friends due to the power of social media. However, when it comes to dating relationships, I’m on the fence.

Think about it, there are so many ways for us to connect with each other now, whether it’s from our computers or our phones. Twitter, Facebook, Flickr, Skype, Seesmic, AIM, email, and the list goes on and on. We are definitely building relationships with each other, and I would even argue that these are authentic relationships, when we want them to be, but how important is it to have the physical intimacy when dating someone. I’m not just talking about sex, so get your mind out of the gutter. What about holding hands, cuddling, kissing, having a hand on the small of your back, or even just having your legs brush when sitting next to each other? No matter how good Social Media gets, it can’t replace any of those things.

Looking back at the attempts at dating relationships I’ve had with the help of social media, I’m coming to find out that the person I’m interacting with online usually is NOT the same person in person. Why? It usually has to do with the person I’m building in my mind with the help of the conversations happening via Social Media that creates someone a little different then who the person is IRL. It’s not their fault, but due to the lack of face-to-face interaction, what else do I have to work with? You can’t interpret tone through text messages, IM, etc. so isn’t it natural to interpret as what you hope for?

I know a few couples who are separated by an ocean who are ‘dating’ with the help of social media. It’s great that those tools are available, but I often wonder if I’d be able to have a real relationship without seeing each other often. Don’t misinterpret this as being needy. The last thing I want is someone needing attention from me all day, every day and I’m definitely not the person to need to know where my S.O. is at every moment. I figure anyone I date will be just as much of a rock star, hard worker, driven person as I am, which means we’ll both be busy with our own things. I believe that means the time together should be that much more important.

For me, I like to usually get to know someone before I’m attracted to them. One of the most attractive qualities I look for in someone of the opposite sex is a sense of humor. Add to the mix someone who can surprise me and keep the conversation going and you’ve got a triple threat. That’s extremely sexy and highly irresistible. And yes, for the most part, these things can be achieved via Social Media, but it doesn’t make it the best way to get to know someone.

The power of Social Media allows us to meet people from all over the world, which is pretty frickin’ amazing when you think about it. But I keep thinking that it can only compliment a relationship, not replace it.

So after all of this, I continue to sit on the fence in trying to decide whether Social Media helps or hurts dating relationships. What do you think?