Category: Deep Thoughts

This is one of the questions we ask most often. I know I’m asked this very question all the time, yet don’t know how to answer it sometimes. Why is this such a difficult question for me to answer? Maybe it’s because I don’t know what I want to do. This is something that causes moments of panic and fear, especially recently.

I’ve had dreams shattered and plans come to an abrupt halt. I think these past experiences keep me from dreaming about what I want to be when I grow up. I’ve learned that even when I dream or plan, I have to live in the moment as I never know what could happen tomorrow.

Hold on…now that I think about it, I do have dreams; just not my own. I enjoy talking with others about what they are working on and encourage them to ‘just do it!’ Heck, I even do what I can to make their dreams become a reality. I don’t know why I can’t find that same UMPH for my own dreaming.

I posted on Twitter the other day, “Sometimes I wonder which is scarier…not knowing what I want from life or figuring it out and then not being able to achieve it/failing.” The responses that came back from the Twitterverse were overwhelming (yes, it’s long, but I want to see all the responses here for future reference!)

I still don’t know which I think is scarier, not having a dream to chase or chasing it and not achieving it. I don’t even know where to start in order to try to figure this out, which just frustrates me even more. I’m a planner and to not have a plan for my life terrifies me. I mean, it’s my LIFE, HELLO?!?! I should have some idea as to what I want to do with it, right?

I do know that I want to be in control of my schedule, always do things I enjoy, and be passionate about what I’m doing. There’s so much more on this, but yes, I’m avoiding the issues at hand. I know they’re there…I’m just not ready to face them. 🙂 More about this once I get out of this funk…promise.

In the meantime, maybe I’ll just join the circus…

**Thanks to @ericaogrady for taking me to Trapeze School. Yes, this is really me.

No, this is not my first blog. It’s not even my second blog. It is, however, my first public blog that I’ve shared with the masses. I have an anonymous blog.

When I set up khartline.com, I wanted it to be a place where I could share about what’s going on in my life. No idea if people really read this, but figured it would be a great exercise in being a bit more transparent. Over the past few days, however, I’ve had a few posts in my head yet am not ready to share here. The alternative…go back to the anonymous blog just to get it out of my head.

Why do I have an anonymous blog? It started as a self-prescribed therapy tool for myself. I have lots of things in my life that I avoid dealing with, including things I’ve avoided for years and things I’m still avoiding. It was a ‘safe’ place where I could start dealing with all of those things. Don’t judge…we all have ‘things’ in our past we avoid, don’t we?

Yes, I have readers over there. Well, I used to. Seeing as it’s been a while, no idea if they’re still around. I had a little mini-community of support there. My cheerleaders, if you care to call them that. I’d return the favor as I’d follow their blogs as well and give my two cents where I felt it was worthy.

My anonymous blog, however, wasn’t really for anyone other then myself. I will admit it was comforting to hear what others had to say, even if they didn’t know me in real life. I went through a period of my life where I wrote about someone who read the blog. He knew about the blog, read and even commented. Things I wrote weren’t always pretty, but they were real and honest. That’s what that blog was there for. I didn’t care that he knew I was referencing him.

What puzzles me is why I can’t get over posting my more personal thoughts here, on khartline.com. If I could do it on my anonymous blog, when I KNEW that it was being read by the person I referenced, why can’t I do the same here?

Hoping to share more here about the real me, what’s going on and not going back to the anonymous blog to hide.

When I interviewed for my new job, I was asked by the Senior VP where I saw myself in 5 years. Classic interview question, right? My answer…I have no idea. Yes, that’s what I said in the interview. I still got the job. 😉

I’m living life right now without a master plan. Being the planner I am, this was a little hard for me to be OK with. Many years ago I was in job that I did not enjoy a good majority of the time. I started the job search but was set on staying in Oklahoma City. I figured I’d be in Oklahoma forever so to go along with that plan, I’d need a job in Oklahoma. I got a job and a year and a half later I was job searching again. This time, I applied to jobs in 8 different states. I figured I’d go wherever I could.

That job search landed me in Madison, WI. I never could’ve planned being there. I also couldn’t have planned the layoff that came only 7 months after I became a resident of the land of cheese and beer. What?!? That wasn’t supposed to happen. I mean, I just freaking moved to this place and now I’m jobless. Srsly?! After lots of tears and a great big Coke, I realized things were out of my hands. Go figure that I found out about the job I was hired for next only a few hours after I left my previous job.

To make a long story short, I’ve been in California less then a year, have just started my third job and have even moved twice. Some of these things were within my control and some weren’t. However, my world has not been crushed due to any of these things. And why is that? Because I roll with the punches and take things as they happen. You can really work yourself into a tizzy with worry when things don’t go according to your plan. And yes, I just used the word tizzy.

Think about it…when you’re SOOOO focused on ‘the plan’ you have blinders on. You become completely oblivious to other opportunities coming into your life. I remember sitting with my boss in Madison and discussing my work commitment for a new position. We agreed to a 2 year commitment and then my boss added, ‘unless something better comes along.’ I told him he was crazy and I loved what I was doing. Fast forward 4 months when I came back after working on my first conference in San Francisco. That’s when I told him I was probably moving in May. If I had been focused on that 2 year commitment, or plan, I probably would have never made it out to California. I saw an opportunity and went after it.

I’ve learned the hard way that making plans isn’t always the best option. It’s devastating when the plan doesn’t happen as you’d wished or drags on for way too long, which in turn keeps you from other opportunities. This doesn’t just apply to work. I’ve seen many friends, especially back in college, who were dead set on getting married. That’s not a bad plan, but for a lot of them, they were so focused on that plan, they’ve ended up divorced for various reasons. Do I want to be married? Eventually…someday…but there’s no way I’m changing who I am for the next guy who comes along. That checkbox can stay open for as long as it needs to until I meet the right one. Who knows how long that may be. I’m definitely a handful. *No comments needed from the peanut gallery on that one.*

Bottom line, let go of the plan. Stop focusing on it and start focusing on the things that are right in front of you. Learn how to enjoy them and utilize them. You never know where they may lead you to next.

Yep, it’s that time of year…time to make resolutions. And just like every year, I have high hopes that I’ll keep those resolutions. That’s when I think back to my 2008 resolutions and realize I can’t even remember what they were. I’m sure it was along the lines of workout, journal, read, etc. Same ol’, same ol’.

But this year I’m serious. No, really I am. It’s time for CHANGE, which is a theme that we’ve been living with for a few months now and it’s definitely something I think I can get on board with. For the past few years, I’ve been in this “thing”…kind of like a running river. I’m definitely going places (Oklahoma City–>Madison, WI–>San Francisco) but it’s like I don’t know where I’m going. I’m just along for the ride. Which has been great and very entertaining, but I’ve been the passenger. Just along for the ride.

With my theme of CHANGE, it’s actually a way for me to take control. To be proactive. To set goals and plans. To achieve. To make a difference. To do something good. To live life.

I honestly don’t think I’ve ever been this excited about the start of a new year. It could be due to the excitement of starting a new job next week, but I don’t think that’s it. I believe I’m finally ready to make the change and start living life for me.

Here’s to an amazing 2009! *Cheers